As a certified divorce coach, I often work with clients in the initial phases who are seeking a healthier form of divorce…one that is decent, respectful, and minimizes the impact on their children. Facing divorce is overwhelming, exhausting, frightening, lonely and painful. Parents are desperate to shield their children. And in the midst of that storm, you are asked to make decisions that will impact your family for the rest of your lives both relationally and financially. That is enough to make anyone want to crawl under the covers and not come out.
The good news is, there is help available and steps you can take STARTING RIGHT NOW that will result in less damage and better recovery for you and your family and the sooner you get started, the better. The following 3 steps will help create protection, minimize the fallout, and get you on the road to healing.
#1 Take Time to Identify Your Values and Goals
It may sound simple but taking the time to fully clarify your values and goals before, during and after your divorce and setting the tone early can have one of the largest impacts on your outcome and recovery. At the risk of stating the obvious, we are far more likely to reach goals that we have identified than we are without a target to shoot for. Once you have those, you are then in a position to make decisions and conduct yourself in ways that align with those values and goals. Think longer term…if you could have this go however you like; how would you like it to turn out? How would you like to see yourself when you look back and your divorce is in your rearview mirror? How would you like your children to see you?
#2 Choose the Right Team
Once you have your goals identified, it is time to choose the professionals and divorce process that will give you the best chance of reaching them. Choosing the right “team” for your circumstances and goals can make or break the divorce experience and outcome for both you and your family. Your team will consist of one or more of the following: attorney, mediator, parenting specialist, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, divorce coach and others. Take time to learn about the various divorce professionals available to you beyond an attorney.
A terrific option for those looking to put their family first is collaborative divorce. Professionals trained in collaborative divorce are able to offer support in line with the best possible long-term outcome for everyone involved. Offering a team approach, collaborative divorce is designed to support healing and recovery early in the process and keep conflict to a minimum. Again, keeping it simple, the less damage created during the divorce, the less to recover from.
Even with an excellent team, this is hard. Behaving well through a divorce is easier said than done. Make sure to include any necessary personal support for yourself and your children during this time, preferably people who will support your healthy goals and steer you back towards them when they are threatened by unexpected events or emotions. Some forms of individual support include personal divorce coaches, support groups, and therapists.
#3 Make the Most of Opportunities
Opportunity is not a word that often comes to mind first when thinking about divorce, however, even in the worst circumstances there is much opportunity available if you choose to seek it. I try to say this gently when working with clients, understanding that the world may look terribly bleak and hopeless depending on where they are in the process. Divorce isn’t anyone’s dream and when the road you were on disappears beneath you it is distressing to say the least. But having no road also means having a fresh start. How would you like things to be with your spouse after the divorce? What kind of co-parenting relationship would you like to have? How can you model for your children how to persevere, process grief, care for yourself and communicate respectfully even through conflict and disappointment? What have you learned about yourself through your marriage and divorce and what would you like to be different going forward? What have you always wanted to try?
Be encouraged. Many of us were once sitting where you are right now, wondering how we would ever get through it. You WILL get through this and come out the other side. HOW you do that, is up to you.
If you are looking for a place to start or for more information on the steps above, schedule a complimentary consultation with Temple Trigg, MA, CDC at 303-949-4902 or https://hopethroughdivorce.com.